Here's we three 7/4/1980
I find Jane Austen's "Persuasion" to be extremely soothing - it's a good feeling to know that others have just as many problems with their family and friends - not to the extreme that I've had with the domestic disturbance - but there are many who have family problems and she seems to have ways to deal with them. I've never known how to deal with family problems - maybe I'll learn something from her??? Here's hoping.
Latch hook Rug I did for R & T for Christmas 1978 I finished this in one month ...
The relationship with the Che's was always alittle rough around the edges. Oh they were nice and all - it's just that without Skip there it was HORRIBLE.
I told Skip - "after you die - your Mom's going to HATE me!" - and this came true in SPADES. Little did I KNOW that the whole family would NEVER like me again. The only people who LIKED me in the family was Uncle Norman - he was always friendly - I don't know why - maybe he was just a friendly guy in general? Aunt Yvonne was lovely and so was Skip's other Aunt Lea and Uncle Freddy ...
Uncle Norman @ the Reception by Skip's family Rochester, MA
Skip Playing HorseShoes @ Reception Rochester, MA
Skip talking w/Frank & his Uncle on the Che side of the family @ Reception
Skip giving Trooper some Quality time 1979.
But once he died/was killed - all bets were off.
4/3/82 - Skip was killed in the line of duty
4/3/82 - 10 a.m. - I called the Che's and informed them of their son's death and some of the circumstances surrounding his death that last night. I could've LET the Troopers call the family - but I thot I'd be the "go to girl." It did not endear me to them AT ALL. Skip's bro was sent up to do his own investigation and was a pall bearer for his brother's casket. I remember speaking with Skip's bro in the kitchen (possibly the night he came in) - I don't know WHAT I said and I don't know what he said. He was also there for the funeral - but by then he'd formed his own opinions and after that FIRST discussion in the kitchen I don't remember speaking with him again ... This was going to be more HORRIBLE than I could ever imagine.
I do know that I breastfed my son and that seemed to set him off a tad .... BUT I may have done that to receive some comfort - I know that breastfeeding my son really helped me thru alot of the grief (I really didn't think I was FREE to grieve) after Skip's death. My son at five months slept thru the night a few times before Skip's death and after his death he didn't sleep thru the night until he was 15 months old ... that's 10 more months of night feedings ... 10 more months of him sleeping with me ....
From April till August we were dealing with the grand jury and the trial for my bro who shot Skip. So there were interviews with the Troopers and with the D.A. office. It was really a very difficult time for me. See I had to testify of my Dad's actions the night of Skip's death ... during my bros trial.
During the summer I put some money into our house and finished it. What I wish Skip had said to me before he died was this ... "Please don't marry again - I know you're strong enuf to raise our children alone ... please STAY in one place after I die - DO NOT move around .... let the children be in ONE place for a long time."
THESE are the things that may have helped my children. As my daughter and I had PTSD (though I didn't know it) from the night of Skip's death ... getting OUT of Alaska was essential for her to feel better. This did NOT happen for a LONG time - 1991 in fact. Once the house was sold in 1993 and my children MADE me agree to stay in the same place TILL they graduated from high school ... then she felt betta. NOT before that. When she was a three year old and we'd be driving someplace in the car I would ask her - what are you doing? and she would say "I'm thinking!" I thot to meself - what other three or four year old out there talks like THAT? I never did. I never got out of her WHAT she was thinking about ... just that she was THINKING ... she said later that she believes she was thinking of the tumultuous night of her father's death and trying to make sense of it. See I raised her very carefully and thotfully - and with as LITTLE upset as possible .. I built a coccoon of calm and no YELLING around her ALL her life.
What do all the books and the experts say? Stay in the same place for ONE year. As my bro was found "innocent by reason of self-defense" and he was let out of jail in August ... I was OUT OF THERE ... don't ask me exactly why this FREAKED me out as my bro HATED me - but never out and out THREATENED with any threat of attack or that he would hurt me. I was SHOCKED that he was let out ... it was AMAZING to me... I also heard that he was staying in Fbks and did stay there a couple more years.
After Skip's death - I was like a person without an anchor - HE was my anchor - he always knew what to do - without his help - I was only 26 when he was killed and I had NO IDEA what to do after his death ... or how to negotiate it all. I didn't find my own family to be much help either as my Mom was not there and my Dad was too overwhelmed with grief and guilt to be of much help or use.
The east coast fam told me to sue my Dad for the business and I told them I would NEVER do that - it's not like our family to sue people ... and I told them I didn't WANT the business - and if they wanted to they could SUE him. They said they didn't have the money.
After Skip died I told the Lord - "God - I don't know HOW to raise these children and YOU'RE going to have to help me - I give them to you ..."
I can look back at EVERY move that I made and tell you what I could've done better - or NOT done.
But the up-shot is that the children of Skip turned out very well - apart from the PTSD our daughter suffers from - because of that night in April ...
There was something that was encouraging me to LEAVE - I just didn't know where to go ...
I went on a trip to see my Mom who had taken off and moved to the Seattle area in an attempt to get away from my Dad and all the press and embarrassment of the WHOLE situation - I think it was VERY embarrasing to her - what happened ... and as she didn't deal with her emotions much at all - she just didn't know what to do. I wonder if leaving was really a good idea for her to do ... maybe it would've been better to stick it out here? With her absence I was even MORE unstable - there was a period of time - maybe a month (seemed like it) that we didn't know where she was. This was VERY UNSETTLING to me .... And I think it was VERY cruel of her to do this. She left in May after Skip's burial - the next day I think. (see in Alaska you can't bury people until the ground is thawed - which is roughly from May till September - the rest of the time they are kept in cold storage- which doesn't need much refrigeration in AK) ******(see note below) I think IF she'd stayed in Fbks - see she only stayed for 6 weeks after Skip's death and left the day AFTER his burial and did NOT tell ANYONE ... IF she had stuck it out - I KNOW I would've stayed in Fbks. I ask meself - why didn't I move to Seattle - she didn't seem to WANT anyone around - I don't think we even discussed it. I think from this moment on - though I talked with and leaned on my Mom to some extent - I pretty much was without help after she left Fbks - IF she'd stayed I think I wouldn't have flailed around as much trying to find my way for me and my children. BUT she didn't - who's taking care of her now - that's right me - I NEVER leave people who need me.
So to summarize - my Dad caused the death of my husband by his actions and temper and VIOLENCE ... my brother shot my husband in "self-defence" EVEN THOUGH Skip was NOT shooting at him - and my Mom leaves six weeks after Skip's death ...
So Skip dies, Dad's overwhelmed and untrustworthy and Mom is AWOL ... I can see now WHY I was flailing around trying to figure out what to do and WHY staying in Fbks was just going to be more painful ... b'c there was NO ONE to help ... I had no close friends - the only friends I had were Skip's friend's wives and they were tolerant of me ... most likely judging me for what happened - I think after his death - I APPEARED very capable - VERY in tact ... it's taken these 27+ years to look back and say - I was anything but - AND didn't know how to reach out for help to LET people help me. I remember a priest brought by some cheese once - from a food bank and my Dad was standing there CRITICIZING the gift - but he didn't have anything to give me - NOTHING! My Dad just TOOK from me the most precious things - my hubby, my Mom and even my relationship with him - they were ALL GONE! POOF! NOTHING would ever be the SAME!!!
I did view Skip's body after his funeral - b'c I couldn't view him before - but it didn't mean much to me - as I thot - "that's not him - it's just his body - he's in heaven" ... So looking at a shell was not helpful to me ...
After the verdict on my bro I went to see Mom b'c I no longer needed to stay in Fbks. At some point I sent three or five boxes back east - I don't exactly know if that was in 82 or 83 ... to the east coast.
I went to see my Mom and the kids and I spent time at the Sorento Hotel in downtown Seattle - that was really nice ... I still remember the room and the chocolate mints on the pillows.
We spent a few days there and then went to the east coast to see Skip's family b'c they'd never met the children. This did NOT go well - although I tried. At one point Meme was watching my son and daughter and their cousin. The younger ones were sleeping and I don't know why my daughter was NOT sleeping ... but when I came to pick them up - Meme laid into me and how my daughter was running around and yelling - and ALMOST woke up the babies ... this seemed to me VERY UNCHARACTERISTIC of my daughter ... needless to say I NEVER left them with her alone again b'c obviously Meme nor Pepe could handle this little 30+ # toddler ...
I also asked them WHAT they'd given her - was there any candy involved - well I think they were feeding her candy like a slot machine takes quarters - now that's a recipe for disaster ... and I told Skip's bro this was the reason that she was acting like that - IF she was - you know what I've thot of it recently and b'c she NEVER acted like this with ANYONE else - I DOUBT it happened like this at all - what I think happened was that Meme just didn't want me out there enjoying meself (I went for a horseback riding class or I was looking for a horseback riding place) and them having to take care of my children ... Meme did continue to take care of my children's cousins until they didn't need care anymore - she did a GREAT job with them.
You see - my daughter NEVER ran around screaming - well she never did with me ... she was always the PERFECT child ... not rambuntious - she wasn't LOUD - she was 'a girl' and she may have been enthusiastic - BUT she was not destructive - and it seems to me that Meme was saying she was being rude and destructive. B'c my daughter had the name of her aunt - Meme made up another nickname for her - this was unnecessary in my mind b'c they weren't around each other much.
Here's a funny thing - I have NO pix of my children with Meme or Pepe ... I have NO pix of my children with their aunt and uncle - The ONLY pix I have is one that my SIL took of my son and her son together - THAT'S the sum total of the whole time.
At some point I bot some groceries for my SIL & BIL who I was staying with ... this was NOT appreciated ... who knows maybe I was just buying stuff I wanted?
I have a funny story of my SIL - she had a cold - and she took a swig of Nightquill late at night and it didn't seem to take any effect - so she took another swig - and then another ... she said though - buy the third swig - she became alittle intoxicated ... see she was a lightweight like me when it came to drinking alchi. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA - So she knew not to do THAT again.
At a couple points we went for a drive to Vermont - a state I always wanted to see - and at one of the trips - 82 or 83 I looked around for property to buy to move there ... At some point - in 82 or 83 I said I wanted to move to Vermont - which believe me is not that close to Mass. But MAYBE I'd told them I wanted to move closer to them ... frankly I don't remember. I only remember looking at properties in southern Vermont - I still remember one that was really really old - it was built in Colonial times and had the weirdest layout - w/a HUMONGOUS fireplace - my only prob with the land was that it had a swamp at the back and I was hoping to have some sheep and I didn't think that wet land would be GOOD for them ... so that ruled out that property. When I drove up to the house in my rented car - the odometer said 414 miles (one of my most FAVE numbers) - I asked outloud - God - "are you trying to tell me something?" I thot it was a good sign - BUT not enuf to move there.
Anyway, in the midst of this declaration to the east coast family I received a letter from my SIL telling me all the reasons I SHOULDN'T move back there ... and it really HURT my feelings to the inth degree - the only part I remember was that my hubby had just died and the reason I was thinking of moving was b'c of that and the move would NOT make anything better ... I called Pepe crying and asked him WHY she would write such a thing to me ... all he could say was ... "Now - don't cry!" I don't think I ever talked with Meme about it as I figured SHE was behind the whole letter anyway as she NEVER got along with me.
See I felt that I couldn't find any consolation in the arms of my family and that moving to the east coast fam may be some sort of consolation. Maybe they would be friendly and nice to me ... but the SIL just shot to HELL all chances of that happening.
We went to Pennsylvania to see my gr'ma and gr'pa and that went well although my daughter wanted NOTHING whatsoever to do with my gr'pa - he was pretty olde - I can see her point.
We also went to Maine and saw - who I considered my fave Aunt and the only one I'd ever spent some time with as a child. It was a fun trip and we had some nice talks. I also observed how they interacted with their children who were teens at the time - I was amazed how much info they got out of them ... even as a 5 year old I didn't tell my mom and dad THAT much about my day. Ususally a "it was fine!" was sufficient to shut them up so they would go back to talking about the all consuming business they ran.
So I asked my Uncle - so HOW do you get so much info from them - he said - you have to ask the right questions - and they have to be specific and you have to care - okay - I added the last part ... you do HAVE TO CARE so your children KNOW you love them. I followed their model and my children have ALWAYS known I care for them to this day ...
I did ATTEMPT to make a trip back to the east coast fam in 1985 - during Christmas ... but I was just married - and the thot of being with people that OBVIOUSLY didn't like me was overwhelming ... so I cancelled the trip - I recently saw a Christmas pic from the BIL & SIL where their oldest son wrote on the back "I love you!" that was sooo cute ... I've never seen their children - the youngest - not at all and the oldest I met for a short time under one year. My spouse at the time when I told him I wasn't going to go back to the east coast declared to me - "I wondered why you were putting yourself thru that?!" I wondered why too.
As you can see the relations with the east coast fam is pretty messed up and I don't think there will EVER be a full discussion of those things which COULD clear the air ... I tried in 03 or 04 to open the door to some sort of discussion - but I got the stoney cold response of SILENCE - so I wonder to meself QUITE often why I would bother TRYING to talk with or relate to any Che anymore?
I have written this so that I WILL REMEMBER there is NO hope in anymore relations with these peeps ... they are not interested and they CERTAINLY are not Skip - so I will SKIP IT ...
Basically how I felt after Skip's death is that I had NO soft place to land ... there seemed to be NO ONE who would be a friend and help me with the DAUNTING task of raising my children to be good people or to just be nice and helpful. It seemed to me that I was all alone and I was ... this was a true assessment of the situation I was left with after his death and NOTHING that I did would change it. Along with the grief of LOSING him there was also the complete sense of LOSING everyone else ... I don't know why this happened - but when you boiled all my life down - the only thing I had was my children ... no one else would help and no one else would come CLOSE to the grief that I felt after his death - I don't think that anyone KNEW how to.... And here it stands to this day ...
********From my sis: Mom went to Seattle and drove to Minneapolis and lived there until the middle of August and drove back to Seattle and I stayed with her a couple weeks until school started in Sept. or so.
Mom was on her way back from Seattle to live with dad.
I don't remember alot either. :(
It was very stressful living with you and the kids afterwards. The kids were crying and fussing constantly. I barely graduated from school because my grades tanked after his death. I ended up acing my finals to get my diploma.
Mom could not take the press of dad being involved.
God bless them all!
The Lord is my help and my shield -
He is my deliverer ...
IsleDance.jpg)
